The Wizard of Arkham
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: The Joker tells his twin children a twist on the "Wizard of Oz" story, where a young girl called Harleen Quinzel is transported to the magic land of Arkham, full of witches and madmen, and the mysterious, merry, wacky, and wonderful Wizard of Arkham. Thanks to blackcat9517 for the suggestion! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**The Wizard of Arkham**

"…_And nobody in all of Oz, no wizard that there is or was, is ever gonna bring ME DOWN!_"

The others in the karaoke bar clapped their hands over their ears at the crescendo to the song that Poison Ivy was belting out over the microphone, seeing as she didn't quite hit the note she was aiming for. Or rather, it sounded more like she hit it, seized onto it tightly, and then violently throttled it.

"That was great, Red!" exclaimed Harley Quinn, applauding enthusiastically. "I've always wanted to do a duet from _Wicked_!"

"Well, that particular song exemplifies female independence and empowerment," replied Ivy. "A women defying convention and declaring she can make it on her own, without the need for anybody else. Nothing I like better than a feminist musical! Unless it's a feminist plant musical, which I don't think exists yet…"

"Yeah…I'll admit, when you said you were doing a song about the Wizard of Oz, I was expecting more 'Follow the Yellow Brick Road' or 'Ding-Dong, the Witch is Dead,'" said the Joker, slowly. "But then I guess you have some kinda empathy with the latter, huh?"

"I do," agreed Ivy, nodding. "Did you know women were often accused as witches historically as a means of oppressing them and keeping them from achieving power over the patriarchy?"

"Patriarchy sounds like some kinda sandwich filling," commented Harley. "Like pastrami."

"It's not a sandwich filling, Harley," growled Ivy. "It's the society we live in, that subjugates women in slavery under the yoke of men."

"Now it sounds like an egg sandwich," said Harley, nodding.

Joker chuckled, kissing her cheek. "Harley, I may not say this as often as I should, but when you take the concepts and ideals Pammie holds most dear and then compare them to sandwiches, I almost feel a kind of affection for you."

"Really?" squeaked Harley, happily. "Aw, Mr. J, you're the greatest!"

"There are times I regret letting you talk me into having karaoke nights at the Iceberg Lounge, Joker," commented the Penguin, who had been leaning against the bar, massaging his temples.

"I just wanted to put a smile on the clientele's face, Pengers," said Joker. "And you owe me after that unpleasantness last year. Plus the kiddies love karaoke! Don't you, kiddies?"

"I thought you sounded great, Aunt Ivy," agreed the Joker's son, J.J., who was stuffing his face full of ice cream.

"Thanks, J.J.," said Ivy, smiling as she sat down at their table. "Complimenting a woman is a great way to get her interested in you."

"J.J.'s too young to be interested in women, Red!" snapped Harley. "He's only nine! He's got a good several years before he needs dating advice!"

"And Leenie's gonna need a good several years more than that!" chuckled Joker, kissing his daughter's cheek.

"But J.J. and me are the same age, Daddy," reminded Arleen, J.J.'s twin sister, who was also making her way through an enormous brownie ice cream sundae.

"Yes, but Daddy's gonna be extra overprotective of his little princess," cooed Joker, patting her head. "And she should do karaoke next! She's just got the voice of an angel - she starred in her school's production of _Annie _last year."

"Yes, I remember you blackmailed Lex Luthor into appearing in it as Daddy Warbucks," said Ivy, smirking. "In what was probably the most humiliating moment of his life."

"Well, I thought authenticity was important for the character," said Joker, shrugging. "So I wanted a real billionaire for the role. I could have made Bruce Wayne do it, I guess, but Lexy's bald, so it works better. You wanna do some karaoke from _Annie_ for our big finale, princess?" he asked Arleen. "It's getting late, so we should get you and your brother home to bed after one more song."

"With you, Daddy," said Arleen, nodding.

"All righty – let's just get you cleaned up," said Joker, wiping her chin which had got ice cream all over it. "And get ready to wow this crowd!"

After an admittedly adorable duet of "I Don't Need Anything But You" from _Annie_, and the subsequent warm response, Joker, Harley, and their twin children said their goodbyes and drove back home.

"Daddy, that song that Mommy and Aunt Ivy sang wasn't from _The Wizard of Oz, _was it?" asked J.J., as his father tucked them both into their bunk-beds after their baths. "I don't remember it in the movie."

"Nah, it was from some lame version of it where the witch ain't really wicked," retorted Joker. "It's a trend nowadays – taking classic villains and neutering them. We'll all be next, mark my words."

"So there are different versions of _The Wizard of Oz_ beside the movie?" asked J.J.

"There are different versions of almost every story, J.J.," replied Joker. "It all depends on your point of view. Just like most everything in life."

"Can you tell us a different version of the story, Daddy?" asked Arleen, as her mother entered with two steaming mugs of hot cocoa for bed.

"I guess I could," agreed Joker, taking a seat by their beds. "Though are you sure you wouldn't like to hear a different story altogether? If it's musicals you want, Daddy's got a great version of a story about a barber and his wife…"

"I don't think that story's appropriate for the kiddies, puddin'," interrupted Harley, handing the children a mug each.

"Well, explain how _The Wizard of Oz _is!" snapped Joker. "It's got witches and people being crushed by houses and melted with water! And flying monkeys! Those are terrifying!"

"Maybe you could improve it a bit," suggested Harley.

"I'm gonna have to improve it a lot," admitted Joker, leaning back. "But let no one say the Joker can't improvise a great story. Ok, well, here goes. Once upon a time in Gotham City, there was a girl named Harleen Quinzel, but everybody called her Harley. She lived with her parents, and her two pet hyenas, called Bud and Lou."

"Those are the names of our pet hyenas!" exclaimed Arleen, excitedly, gesturing to the two hyenas asleep at the foot of their beds.

"Gee, what a coincidence!" exclaimed Joker. "And there might be some more familiar faces to come! Now this Harley was a cute girl," he continued, pulling Harley onto his lap and kissing her cheek. "Big blue eyes, blonde hair, done up in pigtails…"

"Like Mommy!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Just like Mommy," agreed Joker. "And she wore a gingham gown with a red and black diamond pattern. Now Harley was generally a pretty happy girl, but she was also a fairly unusual girl – well, it's not every girl who has pet hyenas, for one. She often felt like nobody understood her, like she was just a little out of place in Gotham. And she had a tendency to get herself and her pet hyenas into trouble now and then. And one night, the police appeared at her house saying that they had received a complaint from a neighbor who claimed that the hyenas had got into her garden and torn up all her flowers and plants. The neighbor demanded that the hyenas be taken away to the pound and exterminated."

"No!" shrieked Arleen, waking Bud and Lou, who noticed her distress and climbed up onto the bed, nuzzling and licking her to calm her. Arleen hugged them tightly, tears in her eyes. "They can't kill poor Bud and Lou, they just can't!"

"Well, they didn't," said her father, reassuringly. "Before the police could seize hold of the hyenas, they raced out the door into the streets of Gotham, and Harley ran after them. They ran as far as they could through the twisting maze of streets, until they lost the police, and themselves."

Joker leaned forward. "But you know why it's dangerous to go out on the streets of Gotham at night, don't you?" he asked, in a low whisper.

"Batman," whispered J.J., shivering, while Arleen just whimpered in terror, hiding her face in Bud and Lou's fur.

"That's right," said Joker, nodding solemnly. "Batman. The Dark Knight who randomly attacks anyone unfortunate enough to be out on the streets of Gotham City at night. He doesn't need probable cause, and he doesn't need a reason. He just swoops down on you and beats you senseless. And guess what? That's what happened to poor Harley. Without warning, Batman attacked her, punching her in the face and knocking her out cold."

"And when she woke up, she didn't know where she was. Gotham City was a grey, miserable, gloomy place, but she awoke to bright colors and light in some magic, fantastic land. She sat up slowly, as did Bud and Lou, who had apparently been transported with her to wherever she was. 'Bud, Lou,' she gasped, looking around wide-eyed. 'I've a feeling we're not in Gotham anymore.'"


	2. Chapter 2

"Are you a good lunatic, or a bad lunatic?" asked a voice suddenly.

Harley turned to see a woman in a white dress and holding a magic wand looking at her. "Why…I'm not a lunatic at all," Harley protested. "I'm Harleen Quinzel, from Gotham City."

"Oh," said the woman, surprised. "But Batman only sends lunatics here. If you're not a lunatic, you wouldn't have come here. So you can see why I'm confused. Are you sure you're not a lunatic?"

"I'm…pretty sure," replied Harley. "Who are you?" she asked, as Bud and Lou sniffed the woman warily.

"I'm Leland," she replied. "The Good Witch of Arkham."

"I've never heard of a good witch before," said Harley.

"I use my magic mainly to heal people," replied Leland. "Rather than to harm them."

"And Arkham?" repeated Harley, looking around in wonder. "Is that where I am?"

"Yes," replied Leland, nodding. "If you're attacked by Batman, this is where you end up."

"Oh. Well, it's…not so bad, I guess," stammered Harley. "But I don't know why I was attacked by Batman. I was just chasing my hyenas because the police were going to take them away and…Bud, Lou, no!" she cried, because the hyenas had begun digging up a flower bed. "That's what got you into all this trouble in the first place!"

"Yes, get them away from the flowers at once!" exclaimed Leland, joining her in trying to pull the hyenas away. "Or she'll appear!"

"She? Who?" asked Harley.

"The Wicked Witch of Arkham," replied Leland. "Poison Ivy."

They suddenly heard a shriek, and then there was a puff of green smoke, and a woman appeared in front of them. A very beautiful, but very angry-looking woman, with long red hair and green skin. "What are those mutts doing to my babies?!" she shrieked, her green eyes burning fury.

"Calm down, Ivy," retorted Leland.

"You expect me to calm down when I can hear the screams of my babies ringing in my ears, and feel their pain miles away as they're viciously uprooted by these disgusting creatures?!" demanded Ivy.

Bud and Lou barked suddenly, wagging their tails and picking up something in their jaws that had been buried in the ground. They headed back over to Harley, proudly dumping the treasure at her feet.

It was a pair of slippers, studded all over with diamonds. "The diamond slippers!" gasped Ivy, her eyes wide. "Buried underneath my babies so I would never find them, so I would never have the heart to dig them up…"

Her eyes narrowed. "Oh, very clever, J!" she snapped. "But the joke's on you! They're mine now!"

She reached down to pick them up, when suddenly Leland waved her wand, and the slippers disappeared…and reappeared suddenly on Harley's feet.

Ivy glared up at both of them. "What do you think you're doing, Leland?" she hissed. "Those slippers are mine – they belong to me! I stole them fair and square, and then that pathetic excuse for a wizard stole them from me…"

"And now I've given them to Harley," finished Leland, nodding. "Frankly the last thing you need is more power. And this way it's fair – neither you nor the wizard has the advantage they can bring."

"But they're wasted on her!" exclaimed Ivy. "She doesn't even know what to do with them!"

"They look awful pretty though, don't they?" asked Harley, examining her feet and smiling.

Ivy looked livid. "Girl, I'm warning you, if you don't take those slippers off right now…"

"You have no power here, Ivy," retorted Leland. "This is my domain. There's nothing you can do to Harley, so you might as well go back to your castle and sulk there."

Ivy glared from Leland to Harley. "This isn't over, girl!" she snapped, pointing at Harley. "Those slippers will be mine if it's the last thing I do! I'll get you, my pretty! And your ugly mutts too!"

She disappeared in a cloud of green smoke again. "Um…look, I'm really grateful for the shiny new footwear and all…" began Harley, turning to Leland. "But they're not worth my life being threatened, are they? Couldn't you have asked my permission before you made me target number one for the crazy witch?"

"They're magic slippers, Harley," replied Leland. "They must not fall into the wrong hands again. Ivy getting ahold of them would allow her to implement her plan for the destruction of this world by destroying the lives of everyone in Arkham – except for her precious plants, of course."

"How can shoes help her do that?" asked Harley, puzzled.

"It's not the shoes themselves, Harley – it's the magic diamonds on the shoes," explained Leland. "You must keep them safe, whatever happens."

"I…uh…don't really wanna go on a quest or anything," said Harley, slowly. "I just kinda wanna…go home."

"To do that, you'll have to go on a quest," retorted Leland. "The only person who has the power to help you get home, aside from Ivy, and obviously she's not your biggest fan right now, is the Wizard of Arkham."

"The Wizard of Arkham?" repeated Harley. "Who's that?"

"The greatest, most powerful lunatic who ever lived," replied Leland. "He lives in The Amethyst City, which lies at the end of the Purple Brick Road. If you follow it, it will take you right to the wizard."

Leland pointed down to Harley's feet, which were standing on a road made of purple brick. "Real…creative names they've got here, huh?" asked Harley, slowly. "Bud, Lou, no, not on the road! Go in the flower bed you've just dug up, for goodness sake!"

"Maybe we should have gone with Yellow Brick Road," sighed Leland. "Then at least it would have blended in. But the wizard said purple, and it's best not to argue with him."

"Does he have power over you?" asked Harley. "I kinda thought witches and wizards were probably equal…"

"We are," replied Leland. "But unlike Ivy, I choose not to feud with the wizard. He stays out of my business, and I stay out of his. It's best not to have too many dealings with him, as you'll see. He's not the most predictable man."

"Are you sure I have to go see this guy?" asked Harley, nervously. "He sounds a little intimidating."

Leland shrugged. "Up to you. If you want to go home, you have to see him. If you don't, you don't."

Harley sighed. "All right, since I clearly don't have a choice. See this guy and get home, or stay here in the land of the literal names and irresponsible magic users. Bud, Lou, c'mon!" she called. "We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Arkham…"

"Wonderful probably isn't the way I'd describe him," said Leland. "More like wild or wacky or…"

"Those don't have enough syllables for the song – we're sticking to wonderful," interrupted Harley.

"Fine," sighed Leland. "Good luck! Remember, follow the Purple Brick Road!"

"Follow the Purple Brick Road, don't let the psycho witch get ahold of the magic diamond slippers," muttered Harley, as she stormed down the road after Bud and Lou. "She's just full of obvious advice, ain't she?"


	3. Chapter 3

Harley had walked several miles before she came to a crossroads that split the Purple Brick Road in two. "Great – now what am I supposed to do?" she demanded. "That 'follow the Purple Brick Road' advice only works if there's only one Purple Brick Road to follow! What advice do you have for me now, Leland?"

The question was a rhetorical one, and she wasn't expecting an answer. And so she was shocked to receive one. "I hear the right road is very pleasant. But then so is the left. It all depends on where you're trying to get to, really. Unless you're not trying to get anywhere and are just in the mood for wandering. If only one could split oneself in two and explore both, I'm sure that would be ideal. But alas humanity is physical, rather than metaphysical, and such wishful thinking is always bound to go unfulfilled."

Harley stared around her wide-eyed to try to figure out who had spoken, but there was nobody there. Nobody except a scarecrow standing in the field by the crossroad, arms outstretched and pointing in both directions.

Bud and Lou instantly began barking at it. "Don't be silly, babies – scarecrows can't talk," retorted Harley.

"You'll forgive me for contradicting you, of course, but if I were a stranger in a strange land populated by witches and wizards, I would not be so certain of what things can and can't do," replied the voice, which was indeed coming from the scarecrow.

"Oh," said Harley, slowly, as she carefully approached the scarecrow. "You mean…you _can _talk?"

"Well, I think I make a fairly good stab at it," replied the scarecrow. He held out his arm to her. "How do you do? I'm the Scarecrow, Jonathan Crane."

"Harleen Quinzel – pleased to meetcha," said Harley, shaking his hand. "But call me, Harley – everyone does. Uh…are you ok just hanging there?"

"Well, one does become used to it," said Scarecrow with a shrug. "Though disappointingly, the crows don't seem to be scared of me. Which is hugely depressing, since I've dedicated my life to the study of fear and how to inflict it upon others. The fact that I can't even manage to scare away a few birds really is most distressing."

"I can imagine," said Harley, nodding. "So what do you do up there all day?"

"I think, mostly," he replied.

"Can you think?" she asked. "I mean, if you're a scarecrow, you don't have a brain, right?"

"My dear, I have an excellent brain," snapped Scarecrow. "How do you suppose I can converse without one? Though I admit it doesn't seem to be a requirement for most people who talk to have a brain."

"Sorry, I just thought…that's kinda what you might wanna see the wizard about…" stammered Harley.

"The Wizard of Arkham?" asked Scarecrow. "I have no desire to see him whatsoever."

"Oh. Ok. Well, I'm just heading to the Amethyst City to see him so hopefully he can help me get home…"

"Would you like an escort?" he interrupted, eagerly. "Arkham can be a dangerous place for a young lady on her own, and it would be the gentlemanly thing to do."

"Oh…well, I couldn't ask you to go all that way just to escort me…" began Harley.

"It would be my pleasure," he said.

"I'd just feel bad, if you were doing it just for me," said Harley.

"Well, I suppose…I could always ask the wizard for the power of fear," replied Scarecrow. "I mean, one can think as much as one likes, but without action, it's very difficult to accomplish anything. That's what academics and intellectuals can't understand, even though I count myself among them."

"I'll bet you're outstanding in your field!" laughed Harley.

"Yes, I am," replied Scarecrow, sincerely. "There is no one else with as great an insight into the workings of the human mind in a state of fear…"

"Uh…no, it's a joke," explained Harley, slowly. "Because you're a scarecrow and you're…out standing in your field."

"Yes, that's very droll, my dear," replied Scarecrow. "But perhaps you could help me down from here and we can be on our way. It's very uncomfortable having a pole in one's back, you know."

Harley shrugged, heading over to the Scarecrow and attempting to pull him down. "I just think…it's fair to warn you…that I got some kinda psycho witch after me…" she said. "Who wants to get her hands…on my shoes…"

"You mean Poison Ivy?" asked Scarecrow. "Why should she want your shoes? They're not made out of plants, are they?"

"No…they're magic somehow," replied Harley.

"Oh. Well, I'm not afraid of anything, and certainly not of Poison Ivy," replied Scarecrow. "She's the one who put me up here in the first place, to guard her precious plants from being terrorized by crows. I relish being able to give her a piece of my mind, should we encounter her."

Harley wrenched him down at last, and he fell to the ground on top of her.

"I do beg your pardon," he said, scrambling off of her and dusting himself off.

"It's fine – you don't weigh much, being a scarecrow and all," said Harley. "You're…made outta straw, right? And you got a fear of fire?"

"You have a vast array of preconceived notions about scarecrows, my dear," Scarecrow said. "I resent being tarred with the same brush as others of my kind. You can't judge one scarecrow by all the others, you know. We're as unique as everyone else."

"I guess that makes sense," said Harley, nodding. Bud and Lou sniffed Scarecrow curiously, and then seemed to accept him, wagging their tails and licking his hands.

"You see, not even your pets are afraid of me," sighed Scarecrow.

"Would you want them to be?" asked Harley.

"Well, the purpose of a scarecrow is to scare," said Scarecrow. "So the fact that nobody is scared of me can be a little disheartening."

"Well, like you said, not all scarecrows are the same," said Harley, shrugging. "Maybe you're not meant to be scary. And maybe you should just accept who you are rather than trying to be something you're not."

"Or maybe the wizard can help me fulfill my fear potential," said Scarecrow. "I would do anything to strike fear into the hearts of others. Just anything."

"Well, the Good Witch Leland said the wizard can help me get home," said Harley. "So I'm sure he can grant your wish too. He sounds like a really powerful guy, even though Leland said he's a little nuts."

"Oh, he can't help that," sighed Scarecrow. "We're all mad here."

"Really? You don't seem so crazy," said Harley.

"I must be, or I wouldn't be in Arkham," replied Scarecrow, shrugging.

"Well, I'm in Arkham right now, and I don't think I'm crazy," said Harley.

Scarecrow shrugged again. "It's not such a bad thing to be. Better than being sane anyway. The world's such a bleak, depressing place when you see it for what it is. While as you can see, here in Arkham, things are rather more bright and fun."

"That's true," agreed Harley. "I still wanna go home, though. Even though when I get back, there's still a warrant out for Bud and Lou…" she said, gazing at her hyenas. She shook her head. "Maybe the wizard can help with that too. He's meant to be wonderful, the wonderful Wizard of Arkham."

"I've never heard him called that," retorted Scarecrow.

"It just…fits the song," said Harley. She held out her arm. "So you wanna sing and skip down the road?"

"I most certainly do not," he retorted. "Is this another misconception you have about scarecrows – that they sing and skip?"

"Er…no," said Harley. "I just thought…never mind. We'll just walk normally."

"I would be honored to hold your arm, though," he said, taking it. "And if we're intending to travel to the Amethyst City, we'll need to take the road on the left. The road on the right leads to Wonderland, which is also full of mad people, but they're less fun than the ones here. Except the Mad Hatter – he's very nice and does, on occasion, bring me tea when I'm bored standing out here."

"I'm glad you know where we're going," said Harley. "I would have got lost without you. Thank you, Scarecrow."

"Oh please, my dear, call me Jonathan," he said.

"How about Johnny? Can I call you Johnny?" she asked.

Scarecrow looked as if the pole up his back hadn't been fully removed, but sighed. "Yes, Johnny will be fine, my dear," he muttered.

"Great! Oh, we're off to…walk in silence," finished Harley, as they headed off down the road together, with Bud and Lou following and chuckling behind them.


	4. Chapter 4

"I like that they don't sing as much in this one," said J.J., interrupting the story. "We've had enough singing tonight."

"I like singing," said Arleen. "But it makes more sense for them not to sing – it's not like everyone in Arkham would automatically know the words to the same song. It helps make the story more realistic."

"Well, that's my primary concern in a story about witches and wizards, Leenie," said Joker, nodding.

"Well, c'mon, Daddy, even in a fantasy story, people have gotta act in a natural way," replied J.J., shrugging. "It's even more important in a fantastical story – otherwise how are the audience supposed to relate? If everyone just acts weird and random, there's no human interest, and what's the point of the story without that?"

"Too true, J.J.," agreed Joker. "You got a good grasp of narrative structures for a nine-year-old."

"I do a lotta reading," he said, shrugging.

"Yeah, you both get that from your mother," said Joker, shaking his head. "I don't remember reading a lot as a kid. But then I don't remember much about being a kid, or a huge chunk of my life, actually."

"That's cool, though, Daddy," said Arleen. "Because if you don't know who you used to be, you can be anyone you want! Maybe you were a prince! And that would make me a princess!"

"Well, you _are _a princess, sweetness," cooed Joker, kissing her. "Because your Daddy is the Clown Prince of Crime!"

"Oh yeah!" said Arleen, beaming. "So I'm the Clown Princess?"

"You're whatever you want to be, angelface," he said.

Arleen smiled. "Hear that, J.J.?" she asked. "We're royalty!"

"Does that mean we don't have to obey bedtimes?" asked J.J., excitedly.

"No, Mommy outranks you both," retorted Harley. "And you both have to have bedtimes, right after Daddy finishes his story."

"Make it a long story, Daddy," pleaded J.J.

"Yeah!" exclaimed Arleen, lying back on her pillows and cuddling Bud and Lou.

"Well, even a Clown Prince knows it's sometimes better for his health to obey your mother," said Joker. "She can use a hammer when she has to, and the ways she uses it ain't always fun."

Harley kissed Joker's forehead as he adjusted her on his lap. "So anyway, Harley, the Scarecrow, Bud and Lou all walked along the Purple Brick Road for a little while until they came to a forest full of apple trees."

"Yum, I'm starved!" exclaimed Harley, reaching up to pick one of the overhanging apples.

"No, don't…" began Scarecrow, but his warning came too late. Harley had grabbed an apple off the tree, and the tree had responded by swatting at her with its branches.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?!" it demanded.

"Sorry!" exclaimed Harley, dropping the apple in shock. "I didn't know…you could talk…"

"So you go around stealing and ripping pieces off living things just because they can't talk?" demanded the tree. "What kinda terrible person are you?!"

"But…you're a tree," stammered Harley.

"Harley, come here, my dear," said Scarecrow, pulling her away from the tree before it could lash out at her again. "Poison Ivy has enchanted most of the plants in Arkham to be able to communicate. It's all part of her flora equality campaign. You have to treat them as you would treat people, and ask permission before you take their fruit. Which I doubt will be forthcoming after you just tried to steal from them. Fortunately, I have an alternate plan."

He approached the trees. "Honestly, Harley, you're better off without apples from _those_ trees," he said, loudly. "The rumor is they cross-pollinated with an inferior genus and produce tasteless fruit. Plus they're crawling with worms."

"How dare you?" demanded the tree. "We're from the finest pedigree…"

"Yes, an infested one," retorted Scarecrow.

"Why, you little…" shrieked the tree, grabbing apples from its branches and throwing them at Scarecrow, who easily avoided their shots.

"Great job, Johnny!" exclaimed Harley, rushing to collect the fallen apples.

"It's called reverse psychology, my dear, and it's terribly effective when dealing with the less intelligent," said Scarecrow. "And plants don't have much in the way of brains."

Harley scrambled to grab all the apples, heading off the path into the woods. She bent to pick an apple up when her eyes fell upon an unusual sight, and that was saying something after the day she had already had.

It appeared to be a giant block of ice. And inside the block was a man wearing a weird suit and apparently frozen inside.

Harley stared at him. "Johnny!" she called. "Come over and see this!"

"What is it, my dear?" Scarecrow asked, hurrying over.

"It's an…Ice Man," stammered Harley.

"How bizarre," said Scarecrow, frowning. "And how bizarre that he hasn't melted yet. Must be magic."

"We have to help him," said Harley, looking around. "Can we make a fire somehow?"

"Would that really be a good idea?" asked Scarecrow, tentatively. "We don't even know who he is. Maybe he's a bad person who deserves to be imprisoned in ice."

"Nobody deserves that," retorted Harley. "But I don't see anything handy to break him out with…"

"I might have an idea," sighed Scarecrow. "We need to attract the attention of the Wicked Witch, though."

Harley laughed. "No problemo!" she exclaimed. "Bud, Lou, dig!" she said to the hyenas.

They obeyed eagerly, attacking the roots of one of the trees. Sure enough, there was a shriek, and Poison Ivy appeared suddenly in a puff of green smoke.

"What the hell are you doing out of your field?" she demanded, glaring at Scarecrow.

"Stretching my legs," retorted Scarecrow.

"Looks to me like you're helping the brat," snapped Ivy. "Aren't you a gentleman? That's called benevolent sexism, you patriarchal pig! So cut it out right now!"

"You think I'm afraid of you, Ivy?" Scarecrow demanded. "I'm not afraid of anything."

"Are you not?" she sneered. "I know one thing all of your kind fear. How about a little fire, Scarecrow?"

She summoned a giant fireball into her hand, launching it at Scarecrow. He leapt out of the way at the last minute, and the ball collided instead with the ice block directly behind him.

The ice cracked and then exploded, and the freed Ice Man instantly aimed a gun at Ivy, firing an ice blast at her.

Ivy managed to dodge it, fury and horror on her face. "No, not you…" she hissed.

"Begone, witch!" snarled the Ice Man. "Or your precious plants will be next!"

With a shriek of impotent rage, Ivy disappeared in a cloud of green smoke again. The Ice Man turned, pointing his gun at Scarecrow, Harley, and the hyenas now.

"Hey, cool it – we're friends!" exclaimed Harley, holding up her hands. "We just got you outta the ice block! Or at least, Johnny did with his quick thinking!"

The Ice Man lowered his gun slowly. "Then I am grateful to you," he said, in a mechanical voice through his suit. "The witch froze me long ago after I sent a frost to destroy her infernal plants. I feared I might be trapped like that forever, and would never be able to save my beloved wife, Nora."

"Yeah? What happened to her?" asked Harley.

"She has been struck down with a rare disease," replied the Ice Man. "And so I froze her to preserve her until such time as I find a cure for it."

"Maybe the wizard could get you one," said Harley. "Johnny and me are heading to the Amethyst City to see him. He's supposed to be powerful enough to get me back home to Gotham."

"And to give me the power of fear," agreed Scarecrow.

"I'm sure if he can do all that, he can find a cure for your wife's illness," continued Harley. "Why don't you come with us and ask him?"

The Ice Man nodded slowly. "I suppose it would not hurt. I have exhausted almost every other possibility anyway."

"Great! The more the merrier, right, Johnny?" said Harley.

"Yes, fine," muttered Scarecrow, who was clearly less than enthusiastic on a third wheel honing in on his time with Harley.

"I'm Harley Quinzel, and this is Jonathan Crane, the Scarecrow, but you can call him Johnny," said Harley, making introductions. "And these are my pet hyenas, Bud and Lou."

The hyenas eyed the Ice Man warily but didn't dare approach him. "I am Victor Freeze," replied the Ice Man.

Harley burst out laughing. "Nice gag, 'cause you're an Ice Man and all…"

She stopped laughing at his unsmiling face. "Oh…that's actually your name?"

"Yes," retorted the Ice Man, coldly. "But you are not the first person to have laughed at it."

"Sorry, I just thought…so were you born with that name, or did you pick it for a joke?" asked Harley, as they resumed walking down the Purple Brick Road.

"I was born with it. And I am not fond of jokes," said the Ice Man.

"Couldn't have guessed," sighed Harley. "Bet you don't like to join arms and skip and sing either, do you?"

"No," retorted the Ice Man. "I do not."

"Great," sighed Harley. "Gee, I hope the wizard at least has a sense of fun…"


	5. Chapter 5

The trio and the hyenas kept following the Purple Brick Road, which took them through a huge, dark forest. Harley was the only one who seemed shaken, along with her hyenas, who stuck close to her, whining.

"Your pets appear to be agitated," commented the Ice Man.

"Yeah, it's a bit of a creepy forest," said Harley. "Could be full of all kindsa scary animals…"

"Says the women with the pet hyenas," replied Scarecrow.

"The babies ain't scary!" snapped Harley. "Not like…lions and tigers and bears, oh my…"

"It's highly unlikely that those three creatures would all share the same habitat," commented Scarecrow. "Their natural climates being so different."

"And my scanners pick up no signs of mammal life," said the Ice Man.

"Do they pick up any signs of life?" asked Harley.

"Yes. But not mammalian," replied the Ice Man. "So no lions or tigers or bears."

"Oh my," finished Harley. "Then what?" she asked.

She got her answer as a roar came from the trees, and a strange creature burst out at them. It appeared to be a reptile man, a half-human, half-crocodile figure, which headed straight for Bud and Lou. The hyenas leapt back in terror, but Harley's response at seeing her babies threatened was far more practical.

She punched the creature in the face, her fist colliding with its nose with a crack. "Nobody attacks my babies!" she shrieked.

The creature howled, straightening up and cupping its nose. "What did you do that for?" it sobbed. "I wasn't going to hurt them!"

"That's not the impression I get when you head roaring and snarling toward them!" shouted Harley. "You oughta be ashamed of yourself, picking on creatures half your size! You're nothing but a coward!"

"Yeah, I am," sobbed the creature. "But a guy who looks like me can't be a coward, so I have to pretend I'm not by attacking randomers. Usually they just scream and run away, instead of punching me in the face."

"Well, I ain't no coward!" snapped Harley. "Just stop crying, for goodness sake! I didn't even hit you that hard! Anyway, you ain't a lion or a tiger or a bear, oh my, so what are you doing in this creepy forest?"

"My sensors did detect a reptilian presence," said the Ice Man, nodding. "What are you, exactly?"

"My name's Waylon Jones, but I'm more commonly known as Killer Croc," said the creature.

"I'm gonna call you the Cowardly Reptile," retorted Harley. "Are you ok, babies?" she asked, petting the hyenas, who nuzzled against her.

"You don't care if I'm ok?" asked the Cowardly Reptile.

"You attacked my babies!" snapped Harley. "Of course I don't!"

"They don't look like your babies," said the Cowardly Reptile. "They're a lot hairier than you, for one."

"Cowardly and dumb," said Harley, rolling her eyes. "What a great combination. Of course they're not my real babies, genius – they're hyenas. It's a term of affection. Now apologize to Bud and Lou, and I might forgive you for attacking them."

"But…they're hyenas," said the Cowardly Reptile.

"And you're a lizard man, but I'm talking to you!" snapped Harley.

"Crocodile man," corrected the Cowardly Reptile. "And I'm sorry, hyenas," he said to them.

They sniffed him cautiously and then snorted, appearing to accept him. "What are you guys doing in this forest anyway?" asked the Cowardly Reptile.

"We're on our way to see the Wizard of Arkham," replied Harley. "I need him to send me and the babies home to Gotham."

"And I need him to grant me the power of fear," said Scarecrow.

"And I need a cure for my sick wife," said the Ice Man.

"Well, I need some courage and some brains, and probably a lotta other stuff," said the Cowardly Reptile. "Do you think the wizard could help me?"

"I dunno – do we know if he grants more than one wish per customer?" asked Harley, looking around.

"Frankly, I didn't even know he granted wishes until you came along," replied Scarecrow. "I've actually never heard of him doing such a thing before."

"So we might be traveling all this way for nothing?" asked the Ice Man.

"No, Good Witch Leland promised me the wizard could help me get home," retorted Harley. "She also said he was the most powerful lunatic in the world. So I'm sure he can help us. All of us. Even Croc."

"You have a lot of confidence in a man you've never met, and only heard rumors about," replied the Ice Man.

"I'm an optimist," retorted Harley. "Unlike clearly everyone here."

"Well, can I come along with you anyway?" asked the Cowardly Reptile. "I get scared being all alone in this creepy forest."

"Sure, why not?" said Harley. "But in order of wish requests, you're going last since you're probably gonna take the longest."

"That seems fair," agreed the Cowardly Reptile.

"Do you…uh…like to skip and sing?" asked Harley.

"I can't really sing," replied the Cowardly Reptile. "Do you think I should ask the wizard to help me with that too?"

"I wouldn't get too greedy if I were you – he's already got quite a list of defects to correct," replied Scarecrow.

Meanwhile, on the other side of Arkham, the Wicked Witch was watching the whole scene through her crystal ball, still fuming from her last encounter with the group. "I'll teach them all to defy Poison Ivy," she muttered. "And to hurt my babies."

She headed over to her potion table, dropping in a few seeds and mixing up a red concoction. She stirred this and passed the brush over the crystal ball. "Something beautiful and deadly, with poison in it, like me. An opiate to make them drowsy and sleep forever. Poppies, I think. Poppies will be just the thing."

Unfortunately for her, her plan was a little short-sighted. The moment the group left the woods and saw a field of poppies, they were immediately suspicious, as anyone in Arkham would be on seeing a field of flowers. And so the Ice Man instantly pulled out his gun and froze the whole field. "The Amethyst City is just ahead," he said. "Shall we press on?"

Ivy stared open-mouthed at the frozen field from her crystal ball, and then gritted her teeth, grabbing her broomstick and heading for the window. "Fine, I'll just kill them myself," she muttered.


	6. Chapter 6

The group stood in front of the huge purple gates of the Amethyst City, staring up at them in wonder. "I guess…we should just knock?" asked Harley, raising her fist. She pounded on the door three times, and a small panel opened above their heads.

"What?" snapped the man who appeared there, dressed all in purple with a green mustache.

"Um…hi, we'd like to see the wizard, please," said Harley.

"Nobody gets in to see the wizard, not nobody, not nohow!" snapped the guard.

"Oh. Well, I was sent by the Good Witch Leland," said Harley. "She said maybe the wizard could help me get home to Gotham?"

The guard frowned. "Leland, eh?" he muttered. "You expect me to believe that?"

"Well…I'm wearing the diamond slippers she gave me," said Harley, pointing to her feet.

He peered down, and then nodded. "I guess you do expect me to believe that. Well, that's a suit of a different color, now isn't it? C'mon in," he muttered, pulling open the door.

They entered the Amethyst City to see purple everywhere. The people strolled around in purple clothes, the buildings were all painted purple, and even the water in the fountains was purple.

"Gee, the wizard sure likes purple," said Harley, looking around in awe.

"It's a law he's made – everyone wears purple, or they're put to death," replied the guard. "Along with mandatory laughing times, and mandatory happy thoughts."

At that moment, a voice came over the loudspeakers set up throughout the city. "Morning, folks! Your benevolent wizard reminds you that you should be thinking happy thoughts constantly, or I'll kill you all. Lots of love to my adoring subjects! Keep smiling or else!"

"Wow, Leland wasn't kidding when she called him a lunatic," muttered Harley under her breath.

She felt herself grow a little nervous at the thought of meeting someone like that, and her nervousness only grew as they were led to a huge, purple building that looked like a palace.

The guard told them to wait outside while he disappeared inside to speak to the wizard. And then the door opened for them, and they walked slowly down a dark, intimidating corridor until they came to an ornate purple room at the end.

The room was all in darkness, but light suddenly flared up as flames lit and jumped, and a giant head with a smiling face appeared upon the wall. It laughed insanely.

"Welcome, folks! I am the Great and Powerful Joker, the wacky Wizard of Arkham! What brings you to my house of fun?"

"After you, my dear," said Scarecrow, gesturing to Harley.

"Uh…I wanna go back to my home in Gotham City," said Harley. "And I was hoping you could help me…"

"The Great and Powerful Joker does not help people!" snapped the head. "The clue's in the name – he's a joker, not a helper! How dare you come to my city and make demands of me?! Get lost before I unleash my patented laughing gas and make you all laugh yourselves to death!"

The Cowardly Reptile had already headed for the door, but Harley stood her ground. "Look, pal, we didn't come all this way just to be dismissed, even if you are some kinda great and powerful wizard!" she snapped, hands on her hips. "I wanna go home, and Leland said you're the one to help me, so I'm not leaving until you do!"

"Harley, my dear, perhaps it would not be wise to anger…" began Scarecrow.

"How dare you talk back to me, you insignificant brat?!" roared the head. "I could turn you into a monkey with my magic powers! I could beat you to death with a crowbar and then bring you back to life to do it again! I could…"

But Bud and Lou had been sniffing around since they arrived, and now pulled aside a purple curtain at one corner of the room, revealing a man working a series of controls. A man who tried to pull the curtain back, but the hyenas tugged it away from him.

"Uh…pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!" snapped the man behind the curtain, and his voice resonated from the head, which was clearly just an illusion.

"You!" gasped Harley, approaching him in fury. "You're…you're…"

He turned to face her, and Harley gasped. "Gorgeous!" she whispered.

She shook her head. "I mean…you're a very bad man!"

He grinned at her. "Yes, I am," he agreed. "Don't tell me you don't like a bad man."

"You're a fraud!" exclaimed Scarecrow. "Nothing but a common con man! How very disappointing. Come, Harley, let's go…"

"Hey, hey, no wait," said the man, racing after them as Scarecrow tried to pull Harley away. "Wait, let me explain. I only pretended to be a wizard because I got a reputation to preserve. When I got to Arkham, I was hailed as some kinda hero who could stand up to the Wicked Witch. Which I did, thank you very much, but only by convincing her and everyone else that I had the same kinda magic powers that she did. So it's an act I kinda have to keep up."

"I guess that…makes sense," said Harley, slowly, watching Bud and Lou as they nuzzled affectionately against the man's legs. "Gee, that's funny – the babies don't usually take to strangers like that."

"Oh, I got a way with laughing creatures," said the man, scratching the hyenas behind their ears, which made them growl contentedly. He held out his hand to Harley. "Anyway, I'm the Joker. Obviously not that great or powerful, but…I'll try to help you out if you keep my secret."

"Sure we will," said Harley, before anyone else could interject. "I'm Harley Quin…ow!" she snapped, ripping her hand back as his joy buzzer gave her an electric shock from shaking his hand.

"Harley Quinn, huh?" he asked, grinning. "Pleased to meet you."

Harley grinned shyly back, and didn't correct him. "Uh…and this is Johnny Crane, the Scarecrow," she said, gesturing at Crane. "He wanted to ask you to grant him the power of fear…"

"Which of course you can't, being nothing but a charlatan without any real magic powers at all," retorted Scarecrow.

"Well, magic's all in the eye of the beholder, sport!" chuckled Joker. "And power's all a matter of confidence! I'm sure if you just start believing you're scary, you will be!"

"Really? That's your advice? Just believe myself to be frightening?" demanded Scarecrow.

"Hey, I'm doing the best with what I got, all right?" demanded Joker. "I ain't got much to work with, obviously – just look at you. Take what you can get! And what wish can Uncle Joker grant you, pal?" he asked, turning to the Ice Man.

"I am hoping to find a cure for my wife's rare, terminal illness," replied the Ice Man.

Joker whistled. "Boy, no easy requests today," he muttered. "But y'know, like I said to Scarecrow, confidence is key! Just believe you can find a cure, and I'm sure you will someday!"

The Ice Man looked as unimpressed as the Scarecrow was, and Joker quickly turned to the Cowardly Reptile. "And how about you, sport?"

"I'm a coward," said the Cowardly Reptile. "And not very bright. So I was kinda hoping you could help."

"Oooh, I can with this one!" said Joker, excitedly. "You just keep telling yourself that, pal. Tell yourself you're a coward, and you ain't very bright, but that's ok. There's nothing wrong with being the way you are. Self-acceptance is the first step toward happiness. And I'm a guy who knows a thing or two about happiness."

"Really? Gee, thanks!" said the Cowardly Reptile. "I feel better already!"

"I can't believe this," muttered Scarecrow to the Ice Man. "We came all this way, and he's just…"

"Wonderful," finished Harley, gazing at Joker adoringly. "It's so simple, yet genius. A positive attitude can change everything."

Joker smiled at her. "And I'm sure I can get you back to Gotham, Harley. It's where I'm from originally too. I'll bust you outta this dump, no sweat. I just need…"

Before he could finish, there was a loud explosion, and the whole room rocked as if it had been hit by an earthquake. And then giant roots burst through the floor and vines snaked down the ceiling as the building came under attack by plants.

"Aw, crap, not her!" hissed Joker, grabbing Harley's arm. "C'mon, we gotta get outta here!"

They all raced back along the corridor, being chased by the plants, until they were outside. In the center of the city square stood Poison Ivy, with her broomstick and a sneering smile. At her feet were plants roots which spelled out the words "Surrender Harley."

"There's the brat," said Ivy, pointing at her. "Give her to me and I'll stop the attack on your city, J."

"Sorry, Weed Lady, no dice!" snapped Joker. "I don't trust you as far as I can throw you."

She shrugged. "Then my babies will level your city to the ground," she said, gesturing to the plants which were tearing up the streets and buildings.

Joker reached into his jacket pocket, pulling out an aerosol can. "This is weed killer, toots! You back off right now, or the plants get it!"

Ivy glared at him, but raised her hand, and her plants drew back toward her. "Fine. But I'm not leaving without the girl, J. Those slippers are mine, and I will have them, even if I have to pry them off her cold, dead feet."

She climbed onto her broom and snapped her fingers. The plants raced toward Joker, and he raised the can to spray them…

And that was when Ivy swooped down on her broom and grabbed Harley, wrenching her away from Joker and carrying her with her up into the sky. Harley screamed as they rose into the air and the Amethyst City got farther and farther away.

The plants immediately retreated after her as Ivy flew back toward her castle in the West.

"Why didn't you blast them with weed killer?" demanded Scarecrow.

Joker tossed the can at him. "It's air freshener," he muttered. "I'm all outta weed killer. C'mon, we gotta grab some weapons and head to the witch's castle to save Harley."

"The witch's castle?" repeated the Cowardly Reptile, shaking. "No way am I going in there!"

"Fine, then stay here, wuss!" snapped Joker. "Who needs ya? We'll rescue Harley ourselves! Me and the hyenas, if nobody else will come!"

"I'll come," said Scarecrow.

"As will I," said the Ice Man. "My ice gun will be most useful against the witch's floral defenses."

"Why didn't you use your ice gun just now?" demanded Joker.

"I might have hit Harley," retorted the Ice Man. "And no one deserves to be frozen in a block of ice, having experienced that agony myself…"

"All right, nobody asked for your life story," interrupted Joker, rifling through a chest and throwing a scythe at Scarecrow and grabbing a knife and a gun for himself. "The witch's castle is a little ways from here due west, through the Haunted Forest."

"The Haunted Forest?" repeated the Cowardly Reptile, paling.

"It's just a name," said Joker, waving his hand. "It's actually more of a grove. Sure you won't join us, Cowardly Reptile? We can all join arms and sing!"

"No, we most certainly won't!" snapped Scarecrow.

Joker sighed. "Going on a rescue mission with a buncha boring fuddy duddies. This oughta be a laugh riot."


	7. Chapter 7

"Let go of me! Let go!" shrieked Harley, kicking out at Ivy. She obeyed, shoving her into the room with the crystal ball. Harley fell to the ground, and Ivy stood over her, green eyes blazing fury.

"Give me those slippers before I strangle you with a branch of thorns!" she shrieked.

"Ok, take your stupid shoes!" snapped Harley, trying to pull them off. But they remained firmly attached to her feet, much to her consternation. "Uh…they won't come off!" she exclaimed.

Ivy joined her in trying to remove them, but they zapped her with a powerful jolt the moment she laid hands on them. "It's a spell," she hissed, her eyes narrowed into slits. "One of Leland's! Those shoes won't come off until you're dead!"

"What?" cried Harley. "But what if I wanna take a shower or go swimming or something? I gotta do that in my shoes now?!"

"That's the least of your worries right now!" snapped Ivy. "Now you enjoy your last few hours of life while I think up a complicated plan to kill you!"

"Uh…I don't wanna complain about the few extra hours and all, but…wouldn't it make more sense to just kill me right now and take the shoes?" asked Harley, slowly.

Ivy glared at her contemptuously. "You have no sense of style, do you?" she demanded. "Every great villain knows you can't just kill someone just like that, right off the bat! You have to think up an overcomplicated scheme for their demise, giving them a chance to think up an escape attempt. It's in the Villain Code of Conduct. Only fair."

"Oh. Ok. I didn't know that was a thing," said Harley. "I think if I were a villain and wanted someone dead, I'd just shoot 'em…"

"Then you'd be a terrible villain!" snapped Ivy. "Just like you're terrible at everything except getting yourself into trouble! Now stay here and shut up, you little brat!"

She slammed and locked the door, leaving Harley alone.

"Why is the witch so mean to Harley?" asked Arleen, interrupting the story. "Harley didn't do anything to her. She tried to give her the shoes – it's not her fault they didn't come off!"

"Well, some people are just mean for no reason, sweetness," said Joker. "Like Batman. They're pretty unhappy in their own lives, y'see, and so rather than find ways to be happy, they just take their misery out on everyone else instead. It makes them feel better to think they're spreading their bad moods, and making everyone else as unhappy as they are."

"Oh," said Arleen. She thought for a moment, and then said, "Maybe they just need a hug. I know when I'm in a bad mood, a hug always helps. Do you think giving them a hug would make it all better?"

"Well, I guess I could always try it the next time I see Batsy!" chuckled Joker. "But no, sweetness. I think sometimes there's just no helping gloomy people, except to put 'em outta their misery."

"Can't argue with that logic," said J.J., nodding.

"But Harley's gonna be all right, ain't she?" asked Arleen, concerned. "I mean, the others are gonna rescue her, aren't they? They gotta – they just gotta!"

"It's great that you got faith in the gang," said Joker, nodding. "And they were certainly determined to do their best to rescue Harley. Even the Cowardly Reptile agreed to come along, after much persuasion and the promise of treats. They entered the Haunted Forest to the spooky calls of what they hoped were birds, and the rustling of dark leaves by what they hoped was the wind."

The Cowardly Reptile had been shaking in fear since they entered, and his shaking only grew worse with each passing step. He jumped suddenly as the bushes next to him rustled, and a bunny popped out.

"It's just a rabbit, you pathetic excuse for a man," muttered Scarecrow.

The rabbit's eyes widened in terror. "Oh my God, a talking scarecrow!" it shrieked, and then raced off into the woods as fast as it could.

"Hey, way to go, Johnny!" chuckled Joker. "Guess you are scary after all!"

"It was just a rabbit," retorted Scarecrow. "Still, that's better than scaring nothing," he said, brightening.

They reached the hill in front of the witch's castle, and peered down onto the guards below, which appeared to be a group of men with green skin.

"What are they?" asked Scarecrow.

"The witch's plant goons," retorted Joker. "She grows them by cross-breeding plants with humans."

Scarecrow thought for a moment, and then began, "How…"

"Best not to ask," interrupted Joker.

"Plant or human, both do not cope in extreme temperatures," said the Ice Man, aiming his gun.

"Don't do that!" cried the Cowardly Reptile, shoving the gun away. "Do we really want to go in there, guns blazing?"

"Don't we?" asked the Ice Man, looking around.

"Well, I do," agreed Joker.

"It seems as good an option as any," agreed Scarecrow.

"I'm just not sure it's the best idea if we're outnumbered," said the Cowardly Reptile. "Maybe sneaking around would be the safer, smarter option…"

"Oh, get lost, wuss!" snapped Joker. "Freeze, do your thing!"

The Ice Man obeyed, shooting a ray of ice at the guards. "I thought you said it was ok to be a coward," said the Cowardly Reptile, hurt, as the plant guards began panicking.

"It is, but it's no fun!" retorted Joker, shooting his own gun at the guards. "Johnny, get down there and start pruning the weeds! And take the coward with you!"

While Scarecrow and a reluctant Cowardly Reptile engaged the plant guards in hand to hand combat, and while Bud and Lou began ripping them to pieces with their teeth, Joker and the Ice Man advanced forward with their range weapons. The commotion alerted Ivy, who was growing a giant venus flytrap to swallow Harley. She raced to the window to see the chaos outside, her babies being slaughtered and frozen, and her fury grew uncontrollable.

"Stop it, all of you!" she shrieked. "Or the girl gets it!"

She was holding a struggling Harley out of the window, over a drop that could easily kill her. "I thought…just killing me would be too simple!" she gasped.

"I changed my mind!" snapped Ivy. "When these monsters started murdering my babies! See how you like it to see something you care about cut down in its prime!"

"Just calm down, Weed Lady!" snapped Joker. "You started this – we were only fighting back after you attacked my city!"

"_She _started it!" shouted Ivy, shaking Harley. "She stole my slippers!"

Joker leaned over to the Ice Man. "Does that freeze gun of yours have a water setting?" he muttered.

He nodded. "Yes. Why?"

"I want you to super-soak the witch," he said. "Water will melt her."

The Ice Man looked perplexed, but obeyed, aiming the gun at Ivy and spraying water at her. The shot drenched Ivy, who didn't noticeably react except to look even more furious.

"Huh. Thought that would've worked…" said Joker.

"That's it! She dies right now!" shrieked Ivy, dropping Harley, who fell, screaming, toward the ground.

"I got her!" shouted Joker, standing underneath the window with his arms outstretched, just as the Ice Man shot again at Ivy, this time an ice blast. It hit Ivy full in the face, freezing her on the spot, just as Harley fell into Joker's waiting arms.

"You ok, kiddo?" he asked.

"Uh huh," she said, gazing at him adoringly. "Thanks for catching me. My hero."

Their lips drew closer, and they were about to kiss, when the Scarecrow cleared his throat loudly. "Perhaps we'd better head back to the Amethyst City. And then we can see about getting Harley home."

"Oh yeah…home," stammered Harley. "Yeah, sure, need to be getting back. There's no place like it, after all."

"Yeah," agreed Joker. "Sure. Uh…there you go," he said, putting her down on her feet. Bud and Lou began nuzzling her affectionately, tails wagging.

"Hear that, babies?" she said, petting them. "We'll be home soon. The wizard will be able to get us back to Gotham. Won't you?" she asked, looking at him.

"Sure I will," he said. "May take me a couple days to figure something out, but…I'll get you home, Harley. I promise."


	8. Chapter 8

"How's it coming, Johnny?" asked Harley, wandering over to where the Scarecrow was working a few days later.

"Excellently, Harley," he replied, beaming. "Early testing has proven very successful. Soon I'll have developed a toxin powerful enough to make me the most feared being in all of Arkham!"

"Well, there's not a huge amount of competition with the Wicked Witch gone," said Harley, shrugging. "But congrats. Glad some of that magic crap in the witch's castle could be useful anyway."

"Yes, both to me and Freeze," replied Scarecrow. "It's truly wonderful that he managed to develop a cure for his wife's illness from Ivy's plants. Almost makes your time here worthwhile, as horrible as the experience must have been for you sometimes."

"Oh…well…it's been pretty great, actually," said Harley. "I've met some…really wonderful people. Although frankly you all seem so familiar – it's like I've known you my whole life somehow."

"Well, that can often happen when intimacy develops between people," replied Scarecrow. "I know I certainly feel the same way about you, Harley."

She smiled. "Well, I'm just gonna go see how the wizard's coming on that balloon – see you later," she said, heading off toward the throne room with Bud and Lou at her heels.

"Looks like that might fly," she commented as she entered to see the purple hot air balloon that the Joker was tinkering with.

"Yeah, hopefully," he agreed, turning to smile at her as he lit the flame that expanded the gas into the balloon. "Should be ready pretty soon, and then we'll be setting sail."

"We?" she repeated.

"Well…I was kinda gonna come with you," he said, slowly. "If that's ok," he added, hastily. "I just wouldn't want anything to happen to you, trying to steer this thing on your own – you might get lost…"

"I'd love for you to come with me," interrupted Harley, smiling at him. "I just hope there's room for both of us, and Bud and Lou."

"It might be pretty cozy," he agreed. "Hope you don't mind…"

"I don't," she interrupted, hastily. They looked at each other for a moment, and then Harley cleared her throat. "Well, if…we're almost ready, I guess I'd better say my goodbyes to the others…"

"Yeah," he agreed. She turned to go, and he caught her arm. "Or…you could always stay, y'know."

"Stay?" she repeated. "Here in Arkham?"

"Yeah. If you wanted," he said, shrugging.

"Would…you want that?" she asked, shyly.

"Well…everyone here is pretty fond of you," he said.

"Are you?" she asked.

"Sure, yeah," he agreed. "As fond of you as anyone else."

"Oh," she said, her face falling slightly.

"Maybe even…a little fonder," he added slowly.

She grinned. "Well…I don't mind going back to Gotham if you're coming with me. And I don't mind staying here if you're with me. Wherever we're together…that's home."

He smiled at her, and then pulled her close. "Um…you need to…" began Harley, but he put a hand to her lips.

"You don't need to say anything else," he murmured. "I know."

"But the balloon's on fire," said Harley as he leaned in to kiss her.

"What? Aw, crap!" he shouted, whirling around and racing toward the balloon, which had indeed burst into flames. "Where's Freeze?" he shouted. "I need that water gun of his!"

By the time they had put out the fire, the balloon was completely destroyed. "I believe you'll need to concoct a different way to return to Gotham," said the Ice Man.

"Gee, thanks, genius!" snapped Joker, throwing up his hands. "They should call you the Obvious Man, huh?"

"It's ok, really," said Harley. "I don't mind staying for a little while longer…"

"Don't worry – you won't have to," said a voice, and suddenly the Good Witch Leland appeared. "You've always had the power to go back to Gotham, Harley," she said, smiling at her.

"I have?" said Harley. "Well, thanks for telling me! I could have saved myself a lotta trouble and death threats!"

"If I had just told you before, you wouldn't have believed me," said Leland.

"Sure I would've!" snapped Harley. "My suspension of disbelief is pretty high when I'm suddenly transported to a land of witches and wizards! I would've believed anything you told me – in fact, I did, when you told me to follow the Purple Brick Road! I think it's more likely that you just wanted me to do your dirty work by getting rid of the Wicked Witch for you!"

"No, that was just an added bonus," retorted Leland. "But the diamond slippers will help you get home. All you have to do to return home is click your heels three times and say 'there's no place like home.'"

"And Bud and Lou will come back with me?" demanded Harley.

"Yes," said Leland, nodding. "Everyone who came with you from Gotham will return with you."

"And…that's it?" she asked, looking hopefully at Joker. "Nobody else can join me?"

"I'm sorry, but the magic doesn't work like that," said Leland. "Your friends in Arkham will have to stay in Arkham."

"Oh. Ok," said Harley, slowly. "Guess I'd better…say my goodbyes, then."

She hugged the Cowardly Reptile. "Bye, Croc. Glad you finally accepted who you are."

"Thanks, Harley," he said. "I couldn't have done it without you."

"Bye, Victor," she continued, hugging the Ice Man. "I'm glad you and Nora are together again."

"We are eternally grateful for your part in our reunion," said the Ice Man, nodding as he embraced his wife.

"And…bye, Johnny," Harley said, hugging Scarecrow. "I'm really gonna miss you."

"I shall think of you every time I frighten someone to death, my dear," he murmured.

"Well, that's…touching," she said, forcing a smile and turning at last to Joker.

She threw herself into his arms, hugging him tightly. "I'll miss you most of all," she whispered. "I wish…you could come with me."

"I wish I could too, sweets," he murmured. "But give my regards to the dump that is Gotham, huh?"

She nodded. "I will. C'mon, babies," she said, as Bud and Lou nuzzled Joker forlornly. "Come to Mommy."

She gazed at Joker longingly, and then shut her eyes, clicked her heels, and murmured, "There's no place like home."

She opened her eyes to see that nothing had changed. She was still standing in Arkham surrounded by everyone. She frowned, shutting her eyes and trying again. But the result was the same. "I…don't understand," she stammered, turning to Leland. "It isn't working."

Leland waved her wand, and the slippers disappeared from Harley's feet, reappearing in Leland's hand. She examined them carefully. "They don't look broken…and they're definitely on the home setting…"

She shook her head. "Obviously this is where they think your home is. Or you do…" She looked up at her. "Do you?"

Bud and Lou yipped excitedly, racing over to Joker again and licking him. Harley beamed. "My feelings exactly, babies," she whispered, leaping into Joker's arms again and giving him a passionate kiss.

Scarecrow sighed heavily. "You do know there was never any hope for you, right?" asked the Cowardly Reptile. "Even I could see that, and I ain't very bright."

"Shut up, coward," snapped Scarecrow.

"I do…wanna stay," Harley murmured, drawing away at last. "In my home. Because home ain't a place – it's a state of mind. Where you're the happiest, surrounded by the people you love, and where you're with them…that's home. And I'm already there. And there's no place like it."

Joker pulled her into his arms again for another kiss, and then the credits rolled.

"Credits?" repeated J.J., puzzled. "Why would there be credits in a story?"

"Because there were credits in the movie," replied Joker, shrugging.

"Did Leland transport Harley's parents to Arkham too?" asked Arleen. "Because I know I wouldn't feel at home anywhere without my Mommy and Daddy."

"Yeah, she did, sweets," said Joker, nodding. "After Harley decided to stay, Leland used her magic to transport Harley's parents there too, and they and Harley and the wizard lived happily ever after for the rest of their lives in Arkham."

"Neato!" said Arleen, smiling. "I like this version better – it's nice that Harley doesn't have to leave any of the people she loves. Or that cool, magic land she's found. It'd be really boring to go back to drab old reality after that."

"It sure would, sweetness," agreed Joker. "But fortunately Harley never had to. Did she, pumpkin?" he asked, smiling at Harley.

"Nah uh," agreed Harley, beaming at him. "Harley lived a life of fun and adventure every day, and the world was happy and bright now, and always would be, with her puddin' by her side. And her two kiddies, of course, who made the magical world even more magical."

"Wait, is Mommy Harley?" asked J.J. "And are you the wizard, Daddy?"

"It's just a story, J.J.," replied Joker. "And now that it's over, it's time for you both to be asleep."

They both protested loudly, but Joker held up his hand. "And if you're asleep in the next fifteen minutes, it's ice cream for breakfast tomorrow!"

The twins instantly curled up, shutting their eyes obediently. "That's my babies," said Joker, kissing them each in turn. "Goodnight."

"Night, angels," whispered Harley, kissing them both and turning off the light. She and Joker left, with Bud and Lou padding after them, and silence reigned in the twins' room for a moment.

"Leenie?" whispered J.J.

"What?" asked Arleen.

"Do you think it was just a story?" he asked. "Or do you think it was based on facts? Mommy and Daddy do sometimes talk about Arkham, after all…"

"And Daddy does grant all our wishes," agreed Arleen. "So that makes him just like the Wizard of Arkham. And Bud and Lou were in it…"

"Maybe we should ask Aunt Ivy if she was ever frozen in ice the next time we see her," said J.J. "Though I really don't think of her as a Wicked Witch. But then we'll know for sure."

"Good idea," said Arleen. "But we'd better go to sleep like Daddy said for now. I want ice cream tomorrow morning."

"Me too," agreed J.J. "And if he is the Wizard of Arkham, he's sure to find out if we're not asleep in fifteen minutes."

"Best not to take that chance," said Arleen. "Night, J.J."

"Night, Leenie," he whispered. And fifteen minutes later, they were both sound asleep, dreaming of their ice cream breakfast in the morning.

**The End**


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